I typed out a long post about how this also plays out when dating when you're broke vs dating when you're flush, but deleted it because it came across as bitter.
Guys, if you find a woman who is at your side when you're down on your luck or you're struggling with something in life, you need to put a ring on her. It's very easy for women in America to discard men, even when it's not in their long-term best interests to do so. Our culture very much encourages them to drop you like a bad habit the second you're not their emotional punching bag and financial sponsor.
I'm happily married with kids now, but only after a series of relationships with unreliable women who loved themselves more than they loved the idea of being true partners. It probably helps that my wife grew up poor in a family that had good values. She knows what real struggle is, and understands how important it is to support the people close to you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I think we all have to figure out how to love and respect and back each other up. It can be difficult but I think it's worth it.
Donn. I have had enough interaction with you to know you have a great heart. If I was walking down the side of the road to nowhere, which is a road I have traveled, I would want you to be the next car driving by. As far as females I have had the same experience you are talking about and boy has it been painful over the years. But a quick story. When I got married the first time it got crazy early. I had taken a walk alone in the wilderness in the Silence for a couple of weeks like I had grown to love to do. I came home and was eating breakfast across from my betrothed. I noticed that she was looking at me scrutinous-like and as I puppy-dogged back at her the thunderbolt hit me. She did not love me one bit, in fact she hated me. I could see that like it was printed on her forehead. And it was clear that she was not aware of this. Now resentment does strange things in the psyche, it flips to guilt which drives you to want to make it up to the object of your resentment, which feels like longing which feels like love. But it ain’t, it’s a counterfeit. Anyway, as that was sinking in, lightning struck twice as I realized that I didn’t love her either. It was clear to me that the men in her life starting with her dad had failed to love her. Not finding that, she didn’t best she could under the circumstances and resorted to power instead. “If he’s going to fail me then I can’t trust him, so I must control him.” And the converse, “if I can control him, then he is weak and I don’t want him”. For me, nothing made me feel like a man, like I could get up in the morning and conquer the world, like the sweet, sweet sugar that momma gave me. And nothing felt worse than when she turned it off, which she did if I didn’t toe the line just so. So there we are in a cage match, mano a mano ‘till death do us part. I realized then that I was responsible for failing to love her, needing her instead to give me something missing in myself and that was not her role to perform. Once I figured that out, I set about looking long in the mirror to understand what I was missing that made me so dependent on the first place. I’d like to tell you that the journey learning to love her led to peace joy and understanding but that ain’t what happened. She wanted none of it and was outta-there. But the insight that the pain of her departure caused was beyond price and has led to unexpected riches here years later and contributed significantly to saving me from eternal jack-assness. Sorry for the long story, but seemed like it might be good. If it’s not, tell me and I won’t clog up your comments in the future.
You said it, brother. I just turned sixty years old. I have five adult sons. I’ve worked almost entirely in male-exclusive occupations since I joined the Marines at age 17. In my own life and the many I’ve observed, it’s been other men dealing in and kindly helping the guys who survive this grinder. The only people who’ve shot me in the back were the two I gave wedding rings to. And the family court industry. And the Sisterhood. And the white knights.
We live in a society that doesn’t give a damn about men and boys. I therefore cheerfully no longer give a damn about that society. We can be looking out for our fellow men when we become aware of these situations. There are many. It’s always the tender-hearted, earnest ones who don’t survive them or get wrecked by despair. The boys whose fathers have been subtracted or minimized need us, too.
I also endorse the “It is what it is” attitude of acceptance…after the processing and digestion is done. That’s been my state for a long time. My sons (the ones capable of hearing) are wiser than I was at their ages. There will never be a Strike Three for me. I’ve found other, more realistic and pleasant uses for my energy and resources. It’s a peaceful, sensible life here. I beam gratefully about it every morning over my coffee. Best luck to you, amigo. I’ve not yet read anything else you have written, but you got a subscriber here.
This is an interesting post. As a woman who has been on the receiving end of viciousness of men, of have been thoroughly dismayed by the women in my life and the women with power and how they abused that power the past 4 yrs in particular. I used to have so much anger towards men due to my experiences in my past. I worked really hard getting past it. I now am married with 2 boys and have come to the realization that people are people. Gender certainly plays a role, but if a person is going to be an asshole, that’s just who they are. I used to hold women to a higher standard and was let down because they are just people. Just as prone to being a bad person as anyone else. So my revenge is raising the best human beings I possibly can. My boys are kind, loving, funny…but they will not be anyone’s doormat. I think good parenting and love is how we can break the cycle.
I’m so sorry, Donn. I was raised among 5 male family members and worked in the maritime industry. Always felt more at ease with men. I’ve never understood how women (one of my friends used to say harpies) can be so horribly inconsiderate or even vicious.
True.
I typed out a long post about how this also plays out when dating when you're broke vs dating when you're flush, but deleted it because it came across as bitter.
Guys, if you find a woman who is at your side when you're down on your luck or you're struggling with something in life, you need to put a ring on her. It's very easy for women in America to discard men, even when it's not in their long-term best interests to do so. Our culture very much encourages them to drop you like a bad habit the second you're not their emotional punching bag and financial sponsor.
I'm happily married with kids now, but only after a series of relationships with unreliable women who loved themselves more than they loved the idea of being true partners. It probably helps that my wife grew up poor in a family that had good values. She knows what real struggle is, and understands how important it is to support the people close to you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I think we all have to figure out how to love and respect and back each other up. It can be difficult but I think it's worth it.
Donn. I have had enough interaction with you to know you have a great heart. If I was walking down the side of the road to nowhere, which is a road I have traveled, I would want you to be the next car driving by. As far as females I have had the same experience you are talking about and boy has it been painful over the years. But a quick story. When I got married the first time it got crazy early. I had taken a walk alone in the wilderness in the Silence for a couple of weeks like I had grown to love to do. I came home and was eating breakfast across from my betrothed. I noticed that she was looking at me scrutinous-like and as I puppy-dogged back at her the thunderbolt hit me. She did not love me one bit, in fact she hated me. I could see that like it was printed on her forehead. And it was clear that she was not aware of this. Now resentment does strange things in the psyche, it flips to guilt which drives you to want to make it up to the object of your resentment, which feels like longing which feels like love. But it ain’t, it’s a counterfeit. Anyway, as that was sinking in, lightning struck twice as I realized that I didn’t love her either. It was clear to me that the men in her life starting with her dad had failed to love her. Not finding that, she didn’t best she could under the circumstances and resorted to power instead. “If he’s going to fail me then I can’t trust him, so I must control him.” And the converse, “if I can control him, then he is weak and I don’t want him”. For me, nothing made me feel like a man, like I could get up in the morning and conquer the world, like the sweet, sweet sugar that momma gave me. And nothing felt worse than when she turned it off, which she did if I didn’t toe the line just so. So there we are in a cage match, mano a mano ‘till death do us part. I realized then that I was responsible for failing to love her, needing her instead to give me something missing in myself and that was not her role to perform. Once I figured that out, I set about looking long in the mirror to understand what I was missing that made me so dependent on the first place. I’d like to tell you that the journey learning to love her led to peace joy and understanding but that ain’t what happened. She wanted none of it and was outta-there. But the insight that the pain of her departure caused was beyond price and has led to unexpected riches here years later and contributed significantly to saving me from eternal jack-assness. Sorry for the long story, but seemed like it might be good. If it’s not, tell me and I won’t clog up your comments in the future.
You said it, brother. I just turned sixty years old. I have five adult sons. I’ve worked almost entirely in male-exclusive occupations since I joined the Marines at age 17. In my own life and the many I’ve observed, it’s been other men dealing in and kindly helping the guys who survive this grinder. The only people who’ve shot me in the back were the two I gave wedding rings to. And the family court industry. And the Sisterhood. And the white knights.
We live in a society that doesn’t give a damn about men and boys. I therefore cheerfully no longer give a damn about that society. We can be looking out for our fellow men when we become aware of these situations. There are many. It’s always the tender-hearted, earnest ones who don’t survive them or get wrecked by despair. The boys whose fathers have been subtracted or minimized need us, too.
I also endorse the “It is what it is” attitude of acceptance…after the processing and digestion is done. That’s been my state for a long time. My sons (the ones capable of hearing) are wiser than I was at their ages. There will never be a Strike Three for me. I’ve found other, more realistic and pleasant uses for my energy and resources. It’s a peaceful, sensible life here. I beam gratefully about it every morning over my coffee. Best luck to you, amigo. I’ve not yet read anything else you have written, but you got a subscriber here.
This is an interesting post. As a woman who has been on the receiving end of viciousness of men, of have been thoroughly dismayed by the women in my life and the women with power and how they abused that power the past 4 yrs in particular. I used to have so much anger towards men due to my experiences in my past. I worked really hard getting past it. I now am married with 2 boys and have come to the realization that people are people. Gender certainly plays a role, but if a person is going to be an asshole, that’s just who they are. I used to hold women to a higher standard and was let down because they are just people. Just as prone to being a bad person as anyone else. So my revenge is raising the best human beings I possibly can. My boys are kind, loving, funny…but they will not be anyone’s doormat. I think good parenting and love is how we can break the cycle.
Sounds like you need an old fashioned girl. Good luck with that these days.
I’m so sorry, Donn. I was raised among 5 male family members and worked in the maritime industry. Always felt more at ease with men. I’ve never understood how women (one of my friends used to say harpies) can be so horribly inconsiderate or even vicious.