Discovering Love.

To begin,

I desire absolutely no sympathy, this is not about that and to be brutally direct, uncalled for.

I place no blame or accusations of wrong on ANYONE, save myself.

I had been operating, existing within a delusion self imposed.

This experience, while very difficult to endure is actually a blessing.

I will explain.

I live with the joy of Syringomyelia.

This is due to two factors, a birth defect, that actually enabled me to do some things many people simply could not normally do.

A blessing and a curse. My own choices, arrogance, and pride enabled me to do some frankly stupid things that irreparably damaged my body. I am hard headed, I don't absorb learning easily. Seems pain is a prerequisite for me. Just another one of my many flaws.

As a result of this, I experienced an awakening to truth.

Brace yourself.

I woke up in the hospital after flat lining. My heart had repeatedly stopped beating and was arrhythmic. This was due to pneumonia and complications with the damage in my spinal cord.

When I reached out to my family, and ex-wife. I was utterly rejected. Laying in the hospital bed, I was told by my loved ones that they did not want to hear about it. That it was my problem, to man up and deal with it, they had problems of their own. Not one shred of compassion was exhibited.

It took me more than a decade to process that. At first, I was stunned, I felt betrayed. Yes I was absolutely devastatingly enraged. “How could they!!!” “How dare they!!!”

I eventually realized that that sense of anger and betrayal must be forgiven, in order to free me from the pain of it.

But then, I couldn't find a way to forgive and forget. I prayed about it.

My prayers were met with silence.

Well, at least I thought it was silence. I am hard headed, stubborn and hard of hearing. Eventually I understood that the reason I couldn't find a way to forgive was because, there was nothing to forgive.

The betrayal did not exist.

Let me explain.

In order to have been betrayed, by my loved ones, they must first, have loved me. Just because I love them does not mean that they love me.

Love is a free choice. We can neither expect it, nor demand it.

I had been both expecting to be loved, and demanding it.

The response of family, as I now realize and understand, merely revealed what I actually meant to them.

I realized that I had been laboring under a delusion, self imposed, that I could ever be worthy of their love, or acceptance. The delusion that I somehow mattered to them.

Neither desire was true.

I meant nothing to them other than as a tool. That tool broke, and thus had no value.

I was not ever significant, valued, or Loved.

Thus, the rejection could not be a betrayal.

I was angry, hurt, mourning the loss of something that had never existed outside of my desire for it to exist.

I realized, I had wounded my self time and time again seeking something that was never mine, never existed, would never exist.

That is why I couldn't find forgiveness for them.

They had not betrayed me.

There is literally Nothing, that could be forgiven.

The betrayal existed only within my delusions and desires.

Along the way, I was blessed by GOD, with true friends.

I learned and experienced love, compassion, mercy.

Not because I had earned it, but simply because these friends freely chose to love me.

From this experience, I learned about love, compassion, friendship.

These things cannot be earned, you cannot buy them from others.

Love must be freely given.

Love must be freely shared.

It is a sacred gift.

Just because you love or desire love doesn't entitle you to love.

Feeling entitled to love is to diminish love.

GOD took the narcissism that I had been desiring non-existent love from, and used it, to reveal true love to me.

GOD, is Love.

Without that rejection by my biological family, I would most likely have spent my life pursuing the twisted delusion, and never discovered the truth of love.

Through it all, GOD, did not curse or hurt me. GOD upheld and preserved me. GOD healed me, GOD blessed me in the midst of my delusions.

GOD revealed himself to me through true friendship, true love, true compassion and mercy.

Now I see, and thank GOD.

GOD is utterly faithful.

“This I Command You, That You Love One Another.”