I was accused of acting arrogantly,
superior, and holier than thou.
No.
I am not superior to any man.
I am a sinner so the holy thing is crap.
Arrogance?
Maybe. Though, I think my unapologetic IDGAF attitude can be misconstrued as arrogance.
Even so.
I know my worth. Exactly to the penny.
Nothing.
Zero, naught. To the penny the net value of me is, nothing.
I am not a useful tool any longer.
Bad back, Airborne knees, arthritis, Traumatic Brain injury. Torn this, ripped that, unwanted snap crackle pop noises when I get out of bed or off the sofa. A variety of other ongoing uncomfortable experiences .
No more seven mile runs or stupidly, willingly jumping out of perfectly functional aircraft in flight. ( Note; There is no acceptable reason to willingly jump out of a perfectly functional aircraft in flight, ever, unless, it is on fire or you are on fire.) No more time on belay. No digging holes, standing guard , chasing miscreants. No more loud booms, bang, sudden pressure waves.
No more playing soldier on the two way firing range or cops and robbers on the streets and in the alleys. None of the fun of a foolish youth, and early middle age.
Why would any sane man volunteer to willingly do that to themselves?
What person in their right mind willingly goes hiking and camping in hell?
How do they talk you into it?
That's how.
What kind of idiot volunteers?
That kind.
I used to have some worth. I made a decent Knife, back when I was shiny, sharp and new. Decades of misuse, abuse, rust, chips, worn grip, dulled blade. One day I broke, Then I was casually thrown away by my wife, my country, my family, save for my babies and my brother.
I remember that day vividly. My wife, mother of my children informed me of my value. The day doctors told her, that I couldn't be fixed. That things would get progressively worse. That day, I found out, I was only a convenience. A convenient paycheck , a handy tool. Nothing more. And, this tool, broke, can't be fixed, so , it is casually thrown away. Abandoned. Useless. She took my daughter's, then 2 and 3, and left. Went cross country with them. If not for my younger brother and his friends, I would have been completely destitute, on the streets.
“. I don't want you, you can't give me what I want, you were just a paycheck, I am done with you.” I will never forget those words. Not even , goodbye.
Oh well, third time was the charm.
My third wife, the last one, she drove the lesson my mother had tried teaching me all my life home. A man is only worth what he gives, what he has to give. What he provides. A man has no other reason, cause, point or purpose for existing. A man has no right to be loved, to expect love, or compassion, kindness or any intrinsic value. Love, family, are cash and carry only, never even purchased to own merely rented if you are lucky. To want anything for oneself is to be useless selfish and to ever stumble fall fail or break is to be useless lazy, worthless and thrown away.
Having learned that lesson,
I learned my true value. Zero, nothing.
And each and every man around me is worth, the same.
So I am not better than anyone else. Nor is anyone else better than I am.
We are all, equally nothing.
Learning that,
That desire meant nothing, love meant nothing, that the trappings that distract us from our worth can be taken in a moment, meant, the toys mean nothing, as well.
Thus,
As Solomon said, all is vanity.
Like Buddha taught , possessions, bring suffering.
It is what it is it don't mean nothing.
So ,
I don't give a fuck. There's no reason to. I have no fucks left to give.
That's not arrogance.
That's clear understanding.
Probably why, I laugh at everything.
Beats crying, no one cares, screaming is pointless and tiring.
At least laughter hides tears when it is not raining.
As for meaning.
“ I love you daddy”.
There it is.
Fuck everything else.
My Children,
They taught me, about GOD.
That is the only thing important.
So, As my Mamaw said.
I have these
WYKKYD AMBITIONS
LYCAN SUBSCRIBE.