The Care And Feeding Of CritterMonsters

Part 4 Bobbi Lee

“Boii, you best wipe me off your chin afore talking like that.” Elwood tossed a soiled napkin at the Big guy in the University of Tennessee Jersey. The football fan was confused. The older patrons laughed. Enjoying himself, now playing for an audience, Elwood waxed eloquently.

“Tell me boyee, your momma own stock in hall mark?” The big oaf was even more confused. Jamie started laughing when the oaf answered. “ What? Huh? Uh, no. What the “

Elwood cut him off, “ oh? How do you afford all those fathers day cards?” The crowded bar laughed. The idiot U.T. jersey boy was still confused. Elwood picked up the pitcher of beer and chugged it.

Jamie, slipped an arm across the boiis shoulder to whisper in his ear, explaining. A strangled “ mother fuck” escaped as the jersey boy charged Elwood.

Elwood slammed the large plastic beer pitcher across jersey boys face. The plastic exploded leaving the handle in Elwood's hand. Jersey boys feet continued forward as his head snapped back. Jamie caught him , lowering him gently to the floor.

Things settled down. Bouncers dragged jersey boy out into the parking lot. Jamie and Elwood perched themselves at the table where jersey boy had been sitting.

In short order, more drinks flowed and the young ladies were hanging on every word Jamie uttered. He was seriously playing up his Scotts burr. A typical Monday night in Knoxville.

Picture a fire hydrant with arms, legs and a head. All in proportion with zero body fat. Make it 5'7" tall. Give it a dirty blonde shoulder length mullet, light brown eyes 

And voila, Ellwood Mullins.

Ugly would, honestly, be polite.

 Still, the ladies liked him.

GOD had blessed Ellwood with miles of personality, overbearing confidence, a smart ass temperament, and an iron clad Chivalry. Men, all men, were fair game for his short temper and unsubtle, slightly violent sense of humor. 

Women, were to be cherished, and wooed. Treated with patience and consideration. All women. Ellwood detested the soy boy predators that masqueraded as " feminists" that preyed on women most of all.

Elwood  didn't particularly like most folks anyway. To date, every male “feminist ally” he had run across had been a predator stalking and preying on women. Ellwood would not tolerate that. 

It had been Jersey boys pontifications on social issues. Regurgitating leftist talking points that had drawn Ellwoods ire. That, and the two clearly underage girls accompanying him.

Typical predator behavior. The Scum pretend to be "allies" and " safe" while grooming vulnerable targets. Ellwood had listened just long enough to make sure jersey boy wasn't family or an any sort appropriate adult accompanying them.

After the altercation, and removal of jersey boy. Elwood stumbled and accidentally knocked the drinks that had been on their table to the floor.

Jamie taking his cues from Ellwood wink and head nods, chivalrously swept the young ladies from the path of free flowing fluids. They were well underage to begin with.

  Not long after, the Young ladies were in a safe Uber headed home. Ellwood had paid for it after talking with the younger girls mother on her cel. Fourteen was far too young to be unaccompanied in a sports bar.

While Ellwood  was busy discussing why the bouncers and management were not pleased with his further presence. Jamie's cel began playing " Holy Diver". He didn't answer it, just checked his text messages. 

The Boss was sending out a red alert. Bobbi Lee had gotten into the Moonshine and Mushrooms again. Seemed she was rampaging around, with a giant armadillo and a drunken skunk-ape. Jamie held the cel up to Ellwoods face. Ellwood read the screen. His frown turned upside down. As far as he was concerned the evening had gotten better. 

Williams daughter, Bobbi Lee, it should be noted, is a chip off the old block. Roberta Elizabeth Lee, is one hundred and ten percent pure Hellbilly. A six foot red haired green eyed hellion of a  Hellbilly Goth Amazon babe. With a bleeding Black Rose tattooed on the right side of her neck.

She often stormed about In her skin tight Black leather overalls, covered in spikes, and lacy camisole wearing black Corcoran Jump boots and carrying a bonafide Chippewa peace axe. One of those Tomahawk-peace pipes, decorated with crow and raven feathers.  A large Arkansas Toothpick protruding from her right boot top.

Ellwood, as well as Jamie, both had serious crushes on her. For her part, she was indifferent to both men in their human forms, preferring to snuggle Ellwood in his Wolf form. Ellwood didn't mind. Ear massages and belly rubs were always a plus.

With Jamie, she loved trick riding in the lake with his Orca form. Jamie had fun, however he did think Ellwood got the better deal. She had scratched  Jamie's belly once. 

The resulting, awakened arousal had left Bobbi Lee wide eyed. She looked at Jamie sort of funny for a few weeks after and never scratched his Orca belly again.

She also took to wearing a riveted Titanium chain maille bikini for their swims after that.

Ellwood exited I-75 just north of Cleveland Tennessee. Bonnaroo was in full swing and Bobbi Lee , upon learning Alice Cooper would be there had decided she was going. Thus, Ellwood and Jamie had intercepted her as the Giant Armadillo she and the drunken Skunk Ape were riding, were terrifying the fine evangelical citizens of Cleveland. The towns folk were, put out to say the least.

Ellwood and Jamie watched in a spell bound wonder.

It's not often you see a gorgeous redhead built like Dolly Parton, wearing a chain maille bikini, riding on the shoulders of a kilt wearing young Sasquatch, perched on a giant armadillo.

Neither man had a clue as to how or what to do. They did know it wouldn't be long before someone called out the national guard and Apache  and Blackhawk Helicopters would respond.

Ellwood produced a bottle of Kraken rum. The two men perched on the Hood of the beat up Chevy pickup, sipped and brainstormed.  Bobbi Lee was yeehaw yelling, and yodeling in glee, the Skunk ape hooting, grunting and growling in joy. The Armadillo was chasing police cars. 

After a few shots of the Black Rum, the men concluded that the only thing was to separate Bobbi Lee and her Furry companion from the Armadillo.

More drinks, with Rip It chasers, provided a plan of action.

 They hurried about their business. Already they could hear the helicopters in bound.

Jamie got into position, both he and Ellwood braced them selves. As soon as The behemoth Armadillo approached into range, the two transformed.

Jamie stretched out his Whale tail, Werewolf Ellwood leapt onto Jamie's tail. 

One tail flick launched The wolf man into the air, the second flick swatted Ellwood into a long arc.

 Jamie's aim had been in accurate. Which was a grand thing Ellwood thought, that swat had hurt! Ellwood slammed into the Armadillo, tucked, rolled across the behemoth shell back and still using momentum from Jamie's Swat, spread his arms wide , managing to grab Bobbi Lee in a wolf hug as he hurtled past, while knocking the Skunk ape head over heels off of the Armadillo.

The Armadillo continued undirected onto 1-75, now north bound.  Jamie had transformed back into his human form, leapt into the Pick up and lit out for Ellwood and Bobbi Lee.

He found them curled up on the road side. The Skunk ape was passed out, a wasted Bobbi Lee was rubbing Ellwoods fuzzy belly and giggling happily. In the distance , the sound of helicopters,  twenty mike mike chain guns and Hell Fire missiles announced the Tennessee National Guards presence.

Jamie opened the Truck door, Bobbi Lee followed Ellwoods full on Wolf form into the cab. Jamie had just closed the tailgate from dragging the drunken passed out Skunk ape up into the truck bed and thrown a tarp over the snoring squatchoid. When a convoy of Tennessee Highway patrol drove past.

Jamie waited till he couldn't see the state troopers anymore and pulled back onto the road.

 With any luck the police and guard would be distracted with the mess they had made of the Sixty foot long Armadillo, allowing Jamie to get the four of them away discreetly.

Another Day another dollar another adventure. Jamie decided that, yes, this was a good job, and a great life.

He slid a CD he had burned into the CD player. Tesstamona blasted out, rapping about life, triumph and struggle. Bobbi Lee sang along with him. Ellwood howled along in key.

It took them two days to make the ninety minute trip. Bobbi Lee had spiked their rip its and rum. Ellwood, Jamie and Bobbi Lee were tripping balls talking to a cricket when the Skunk ape came to and took the truck keys. Which had been easy. Jamie had shifted and was flopping around on the red clay dirt road.

It took the better part of a day to learn to drive, and wrestle the Orca into the bed of the Truck. The Skunk Ape tried, but couldn't figure out how to turn off or eject the CD. Somehow it was on a continuous loop playing the best of Tesstamona.

Ellwood insisted on riding shotgun, with his wolfy head out the window. Bobbi Lee was riding on Jamie in the bed of the truck. They did pass a couple of county sheriff deputies and a Game and fish officer. All three just waved while trying to look away.

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