My Brain Is In A Box Surviving Me.

Things I Probably shouldn't have said.

(1) Upon showing up to court late, and still drunk. When the Judge ( a woman) asked me what I was thinking:

” Yes Ma'am I am still buzzed. There was this really hot blonde and a lot of rum and things got fuzzy around midnight and now, here I am.” I was escorted out in handcuffs, spent the night in jail, for contempt.

(2) “Yes”

When my Irish Girlfriend asked me if I wanted to marry her.

We did, and it was annulled less than nine months later.

(3) “ Not Any More.”

Christmas night 2015, outside Las Cruces New Mexico at the ICE checkpoint on I-25.

Border patrol asks my Friend, who was driving the UHaul, loaded with a lot of Ammo, Reloading supplies, most of a recording studio, towing a 68 Camaro on a car dolly.

“ Merry Christmas, got any dead bodies in the back?” The Drug m bomb dog was acting interested.

I chimed up, “Not anymore.”

After the Border Patrol stopped laughing and talked to her and Verified She was a former ( in good standing) Sheriffs Officer waved us on. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't take you anywhere.” Was repeated till the snow caused white out conditions. I also had weed and an open bottle of whiskey in the cab with me. She was driving so none for her .

(4) “ Scuse me, Ossifer got a light?”

At the same border patrol check point, 1999.

It was my first experience with a BP check point, my first week In New Mexico. I had no idea what the hell it was after driving hours and no cops or cars. My Buddy was in the passenger seat drinking moon shine from a mason jar. I, being the designated driver, was not drinking. I was smoking a fat doobie however. When we hit the check point , I hurriedly flicked the fresh lit Doobie to the floor board. When the nice Border Patrol officer walked up, I was panicking looking for the Doobie on the floor afraid He would see it. ( Never thought about smelling it.)

He stood at the window looking in. Staring really hard at me. Brian was dying, laughing. Openly sipping Shine.

“What brings you boys to New Mexico?” He asked. “ I just moved here, up to Ruidoso in the mountains.” He nodded, walked around, looked at our Tag, came back. “ Where are y’all from”

“ Tennessee Sir.”

He had noticed me nervously looking around at my feet. And asked, “ What are you looking for?” With his hand on his gun.

I held up a cigarette pack. Brian was still laughing. “I lost my lighter”

The officer studied me for a moment before I asked, “ Scuse me Ossifer, gotta light?” the Border Patrol officer gave me this, incredulous look. “ No, I don't Smoke. Have a good day.” And waved us on while shaking his head.

We left. Got back on the highway. Brian is still laughing. I am driving thinking how lucky we are after I dropped that Doobie and damn it smelled like weed still. Thinking it was still burning on the floorboard somewhere. I bitched at Brian to stop laughing and find the Doobie.

He reached over and pulled it off of my chapped lower lip where it had been stuck still burning.

God looks out for fools and idiots it seems.

(5) “ I did not eat Your cat!”

My coworker, stopped in at work. Her Five year old daughter was with her. The little girl kept staring at me wide eyed, and hiding behind her momma. I mean she was staring hard. Like she thought I was gonna eat her or something.

I checked with her mom, then offered her some cookies I had from my lunch. The little girl just shook her head no. Wouldn't take the cookies even after her mom tried to hand them to her either. It was very clear she didn't like me.

I, have an odd sense of humor.

I knelt down, looked her dead in the eyes and announced, “I did not eat your cat.” She glared at me ‘ I don't have a cat!” Was fiercely announced.

“ I had nothing to do with that.” I replied. “I don't have a cat!” She repeated. “I had nothing to do with that.” I replied.

This back and forth went on. People were noticing and following the conversation. Eventually she demanded that her mom tell me she doesn't have a cat.

Which mom dutifully did. Now starting to look at me a bit side eyed.

I looked down at the little girl. “ I told you, I did not eat your cat.”

Now frustrated , hands on hips, “I told you I don't have a cat!” She emphatically declared.

“And I told you I had nothing to do with that.” She grew silent and thoughtful and turned to her mom, “ mommy, what happened to our cat?” Her mom was confused, “honey we don't have a cat.” At which point I chimed in. “ I had nothing to do with that.”

I really didn't expect the little girl to start crying about the mean man that ate her kitty. Seriously, I had no intention of making her cry. I was now panicking feeling two inches tall and horrified that I had upset her.

It took cupcakes, chocolate milk and M&M's to calm her down.

A week later she came into work again with her mom. This time she laughed when she saw me. She took great delight in telling people not to trust me or I would eat their cat.

On reflection, I think she played me to get more than a cookie out of me.

She's gonna go far!