“Run! Just Run Now!”
Lizard Liz hesitated, confused by the sight of Dill running for his life from geese? “Run dammitt run!” He screamed as he ran past her.
The ugliest Canadian goose she had ever seen was waddling and flapping and making a horrible hissing noise straight at her. The stench hit her just as she caught sight of the grunts following. Lizzard turned and ran.
Geese are vicious. Territorial, aggressive, they have beaks with teeth. Like a cross between a rattlesnake and a mad rabid chicken. Lizzy caught up with me, then passed me. “ What did you do to the cobra chicken?” She screamed at me in passing. “Nothing!” I managed to gasp out in reply.
There are some essential rules for survival in an apocalypse. Rule one is, All plans are great, until enacted. Then reality seizes your plan, chews it up and spits it out. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing ever goes as planned.
The second rule is, you don't necessarily need to out run grunts, bears, mountain lions or attack geese. You do however need to be faster than at least one other party that is running away.
Lizzy lizard girl was busy applying the principles of rule two.
Noticing the way her, um, anatomy moved as she pulled away from me nearly got me killed. I stumbled, tripped, rolled and was promptly struck by the goose.
I managed to grab it by it's neck as it grunt-hissed at me. Oh my God it smelled awful. I was stunned to find myself clutching it's head and a bit of neck, while the rest of the goose dropped and flopped about. The beedy little mad eyes glared at me. It still tried to bite me.
Have you ever stuck your hand into rancid meat? It is a nastiness you will never forget. I was clutching a double hand full of decomposing goose goo. Yes I hurled, figuratively as well as literally.
The sound of running feet faded, to be overtaken by the eerie grunts and sounds of dragging feet. I turned to follow Lizzy. I was at least a full block ahead of the grunts. All I need do was simply walk steady and they couldn't catch up. Grunts, could not run thank heavens. Well, at least grunts several days old, couldn't. I had never seen a fresh grunt before. So I could be wrong about the fresh ones. All the grunts I had dealt with had already had that dead rotten meat smell to them.
I started double timming it to catch up to Lizzy. Until just the now I was not aware that geese, or birds could catch the zombie virus. I wondered, did we get it from the birds or did we give it to the birds? I hoped, we gave it to them. Reverse bird flu revenge. I also wondered, how many other species the zombie bug could infect.
Life just kept right on getting more complicated. Mad max world plus zombies, plus zombie geese. Sheesh what if there's zombie bears, wolves and wolverines.
Oh crap.
And now I had an ear worm infecting my head.
“Lions and tigers and bears oh my…”
I started skipping, singing, laughing, pretending I was on the yellow brick road. Lizzy had paused waiting for me. She jerked away when I skipped past her reaching out to grab her hand. Staring at me like I had lost my ever loving mind.
“ C’mon Dorothy, oz is waiting” I called back to her. Reluctantly she followed, quietly. I however was in thralled with my madness.
Being assaulted by a zombified cobra chicken will do that you know.
As we distanced ourselves from the grunts I talked.
“ We, my dear, you and me, shall find Oz, and kill the evil usurping wizard. You know, he is the bad guy! We gotta find the Wicked witch of the West, join forces, and with her flying monkeys kill the evil wizard of Oz that started all this!”
Lizzy was not amused. “Dill dude, what have you been smoking? Or drinking, give me some.” We made our way back to our camp.
Fact is, I was stone cold sober and had been so for weeks. Screw it. I was heading straight back to my spot with first light.
A hard days ruck would result in a hard nights drunk. I even had a stash of dispensary weed I had liberated. Whiskey, weed, canned soup and contemplation.
I had found no purpose other than simple defiant survival during the last two years. A man needs purpose. I contemplated my reality. Cogitation coagulated into a purpose. First, Find the evil wizard or wizards responsible for the madness then Slaughter the scum and as many of their collaborative minions as I can.
Murder, mayhem, vengeance with violence. I found myself smiling.Lizzard Lizzy noticed my smile. “ Dude! That's creepy as hell stop that!” I gave her a mad giggle. She backed away from me. I lost it laughing. It felt great. “Dude you are seriously freaking me out!” I collapsed, laughing so hard I was gasping for air. “You are one freaking weird dude you know that?” “Yeppers! And you ain't seen nothing yet!” I wheezed in reply.
Now I will "side eye" the geese in the church pond. They are already mean.
We should have never invaded Canada