Once upon a time a Hellbilly from Tennessee, wandered west, crossed the Mississippi, tromped over the ozarks, the plains, and through the badlands and high deserts of New Mexico to this odd town in the middle, wedged between a watermelon mountain and several Pueblo nations.
Albucrazy ( otherwise known as Albuquerque) is a special place. A melting pot. A fondue of cultures, weirdness, insanity, beauty, confusion and assorted oddities.
In short, a very unlikely place for an over tall Tennessee Hellbilly to find himself amused, bemused, confused and sort of contused.
I reckon that I should explain what a Hellbilly is before I continue.
In short,
I, me, myself, am, or more properly, izzz,
A Hellbilly. A Hellbilly is the result of an natural born Southern Appalachian American Hillbilly raised on Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Sr, Led Zeppelin, Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. Throw in some Rob Zombie, Dylan Thomas, Edgar Allan Poe, Albert Einstein, Schroedinger’s cat, and Carl Jung along with the inspiration of moonshine and madness.
Mix that all together and pour it into a long haired, bearded, strawberry blonde six foot five, hazel eyed misfit and voila. Welcome to the madness.
Now dress that up like an Alice Cooper- Johnny Cash gone biker man in black and you get the visual. Plop that unholy experience down in Albucrazy New Mexico. Anyone else sense impending mayhem?
Well, it's true, no lie, there I was, just stepping off of a bus on Central in beautiful Albucrazy on my way to an appointment. That was when I met that days adventure.
I should have known that interesting issues were impending when, a few minutes earlier a murder of crows cawwed at me in a cacophony of warning while I waited at the bus stop. Did you know that Crows have regional dialects? This is likely the reason I mistook a warning for a good morning. At any rate, I digress from the true telling of the tale of mayhem.
I walked the brief block and a half along Central, quietly, relaxed, and only slightly caffeinated. Upon reflection I probably should have paid attention to the nice man that had followed me off of the bus. Later I realized he had been hurrying to keep up, which would explain why he was slightly out of breath during our brief un-requested conversation.
I had to be a bit over a full foot taller than he, at the least. He caught up with me at the corner as I waited for the blinking red walking sign to give permission to cross the street by turning a bright blinky green.
There is an certain unpleasantness to the aroma of stale beer, booze and urine. I tried in vain to position myself upwind. Unfortunately , the morning breeze was no match for the aromatic stench. The smell traveled against the wind.
" What time is it? " he asked. " I don't know, no watch. " I replied. " Can I use your cel? " was next. " No cel sorry. " I replied. The light changed. He followed me across the side street. " Bum a smoke? " he asked. " Sorry, I Don't smoke. " I lied.
He rushed in front of me, now waving an opened folding knife. " fck you give me the phone and your wallet. " he wheezed drunkenly. "Why?" I replied stepping back. This confused him.
I managed another step back opening distance between us. He recovered and stumbled towards me. I introduced his forehead to my elbow as I side stepped . Amazingly he did this drunken limbo like contortionist dance step before falling.
I , thinking the unwanted conversation was over, managed several steps away before he lurched to his feet. Evidently I had not expressed my unwillingness to accommodate him clearly enough.
I turned to face him, he charged me Knife still in hand. I have no idea what he was yelling, it was neither English nor Spanish. I met his unwanted advance by taking a single step forward, using his knee like a rung on a ladder. It collapsed beneath my weight.
I took another forceful step forward. His face and my right knee introduced themselves quite intimately and enthusiastically. The conversation ended as I stepped past him.
He now lounged uncomfortably on the sidewalk clutching his knee with one hand while pawing at his face with the other. I kicked the knife that he had dropped in his distraction into the street.
The man fell over to lay on his side. I approached, made sure he was breathing and conscious. While I debated whether to call police and or an ambulance for the gentleman. A helpful shop keeper that had witnessed the whole discussion, resolved that question for me.
" Don't worry, I called 911!, Saw the whole thing! " With a weary sigh, I lit up a cigarette, and waited. Looking down the side street, I saw my appointment , watching ,waiting for me. Apparently he saw the whole debacle as well.
Great, todays counseling session would be even more interesting than usual. In an astonishingly short time, paramedics and APD arrived.
I sat on the curb, while the medics attended the nice man, and one of the police officers talked with him. Another officer talked with the helpful shopkeeper. From somewhere, a third officer had appeared and quietly stood watching me.
I slowly, carefully pulled out my wallet and withdrew my drivers license. The officer that had interviewed the nice man gathered up his partner, the one watching me, climbed into the ambulance with the nice man, who was now handcuffed to the stretcher.
I figured , well, here’s to a ruined day, and I was going to jail. The officers were laughing. I became highly perplexed, as I offered my I.D. to them. They waved me off.
One spoke, to me, still chuckling. " Are you ok? Yes? Good, have a good day sir. " I was thoroughly confused. " I do not want to know your name. I want to write this report as it was told to me. " " Huh? " I replied.
" Have a nice day! You made my day. I get to write a report that an unknown citizen, identified only as, " The giant hillbilly Jesus" Quote "kicked my ass. when I tried to rob him. " Both officers were laughing. "Have a good day sir."
I walked down the block,baffled. My counselor blew his hot chai out of his nose when I told him what the police officers said.
Albucrazy can be an oddly interesting place.